Humor me less
by daughteralucard
Summary: what if the man you thought was your father wasn't your father after all? What if your father was the one being on earth you hated most? Will Alfred be able to tell Dick who he really is and when he does will Dick be able to cope? Rated for language
1. Shocking Discovery

Hey this is my very first Batman story

Hey this is my very first Batman story. I love the movies and cartoons but never really had anything to write about them. Then I had a really bazaar dream and this is what I came up with. Be gentle, its my first time, and R&R.

Me: I don't own Batman, there, I said it!

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Chapter 1

A lie Reveled

Batman and Robin both stood up on top of the roof watching non other then the Joker and his new little pow wow of henchmen planning out their next hit. Batman intended on stopping them ahead of time. His little heists were becoming more complex and well planned out. Each time was getting more and more difficult to track the Joker. His wicked red smile, pale face, black eyes, and green hair with the purple suit stood out among the Arkham Asylum break outs.

His signature laugh was heard outside of the building as one of the henchmen cowered in a corner for fear of 'flying horses'. Joker liked having them as company, always something new to laugh at, and he needed someone he could connect with. Unfortunately he had a bad habit of killing off his new 'friends' then having to go find new ones. Oh well, never a dull moment!

Robin took a step closer to the roof skylight but the building was old and it collapsed. Batman jumped back thinking Robin would do the same, no such luck, the poor boy fell down and landed on the Joker roof and all. Batman jumped in after his side kick. Both Robin and the Joker were out cold and a little bloodied up. The henchmen attacked Batman all at once. He was quicker then them and pulled out a sharp edged boomerang shaped like a bat and through it killing the mentally disturbed attackers one at a time. _That was easy_ he thought to himself. He turned around and picked up Robin. He noticed that the Jokers blood was mixed with his own on his cloths. Batman tied up the Joker like he had done countless times and called up Jim Gordon.

…………………………..

Alfred received the blood tests from the machine made by Wayne enterprise. It was a new way to test blood and it was more efficient. This new equipment would be released to hospitals all over the world in only a few short months. Alfred kept one around just in case of such an occasion. He was worried about poor Dick but was also a little excited to be able to try out the new machine. He put what he thought was Dick's blood sample in the small plate and injected it into the monitor as if it was a CD. The computer screen showed a profile of the Joker, a DNA strand, his height, his eye color, his natural hair color, and a small profile from Arkham Asylum.

Alfred chuckled a bit. _This must be the Jokers blood from the accident Master Bruce informed me about. I should just get it from his blood stream._

He really wanted to keep it simple but it was hard to tell Dick's blood from Jokers blood. He put the needle in the teens arm and took a bit of blood. He then put the blood on a new template and put it in just like he had before.

Dick's name appeared, is height, his eye color, his hair color, a profile from the orphanage when his parents died five years ago, and something else that almost gave Alfred a heart attack. It was his DNA strand bearing creepy similarities to that of the Jokers. Alfred pulled the plug out of the wall in complete shock. No, this wasn't possible, Dick had a father, but he died the same time as Dick's mother. Alfred knew this was a fact. He chuckled a bit nervously. There was no way Dick's mother had known Joker anyway….right?

Alfred was no idiot. At first he told himself the machine was malfunctioning but wanted to make sure. He was going to do something that might be seen as paranoid and stupid, he was going to hunt down Dick's grandmother and make sure nothing could have happened. But how?

……………………………….

"Alfred, where are you going," asked Bruce seeing Alfred leave with an envelope in his hands.

"Oh just stepping out to visit family Master Bruce," he said putting a smile on his face. He had found her rather quickly. It only took a few days and Dick was already up and moving again. Alfred had not mentioned the DNA similarities just in case of a malfunction. He feared that it was not a malfunction but kept his hopes up.

"Well, I guess I will see you when you come back," said Bruce with a smile, "have fun."

"Of course master Bruce," he said with a respectful nod. Bruce smiled and waved his old friend goodbye. Alfred quickly jumped in his car and drove off. It was a four hour drive out of Gotham City to a near by town. He arrived at a small house. It was white with the picket fence, the garden arch with ivy growing around it. Alfred had a small chuckle at a funny thought. What of Ivy was his grandmother? He stepped out of the Lamborghini and walked up the pathway up to the door. One would think Ivy lived here, plants from all over the world grew in the yard giving it a beautiful tropical look. The smell of honey suckle invaded the air making the surroundings relaxing. The birds sang, the bees buzzed around the large pink flowers, the fountain flowed water making a small trickling noise, and an older looking woman stood on the porch with her shot gun pointing at Alfred and a very pissed look on her face.

"What. are. You. Doing. On. My. LAWN!" She looked harassed and angry. Her white hair was in an upheaval and her song like voice sounding like the fury of a Siren. Alfred felt his breath taken away. The woman was no older then he was, maybe a few years younger, and she was in a long light pink skirt, a white long sleeve with a silk pink vest, and white flip flops. Her pale cheeks were blushed with fury. Alfred had not felt this way about anyone in a really long time but he had to remember why he was hear.

"Please, miss, I wish to speak to you about your daughter."

"Well, forget it, she died five years ago," she snapped, "are you a mob member wanting something from me as well?"

"No, no, I simply wish to know about your daughter and why she joined the circus. I am a friend of her living son," he said kindly. The old woman looked shocked. She slowly put the gun down and a tear fell down her cheek. She shifted her weight in embarrassment.

"Please come in," she said opening her front door. Alfred came into the house and took a seat at the couch. She brought him some tea and sat across from him. "I would have taken him myself but sense my daughter ran off to join the circus the mob is always in and out of here wanting to know where she is. I can't have a child around when bad guys are always walking through here."

"I totally understand."

"How is he, Dick?"

"Dick is fine. He is living with Bruce Wayne."

"So I've heard. I couldn't be happier to tell you the truth. I know Mr. Wayne will be able to provide and care for him."

"Well, Dick recently had a…erm….accident and I took his blood test."

"What kind of accident," the woman asked in distress.

"Fell through a roof," he said, "you know, 'boys will be boys'."

"Yes, they will, boys are so wild it's hard to get them to keep still; especially teenage boys." Alfred laughed at the delightfully dangerous old woman. She smiled. "So what have you to ask me?"

"Well, his DNA, something wasn't right. It showed DNA matching someone other then his fathers."

"How would you know that, his father is dead."

"Well, the DNA was a strand by someone rather infamous."

"Oh," she said sadly, "I know what you are thinking but it is wrong. My daughter was never unfaithful to her husband. She loved him with all of her heart. What happened was not her fault. She grew up with a young man who later joined the mob. They stayed close friends but he was twisted in the head. He is mental, you see, crazy. You see him on the news a lot now a days. Batman is always chasing after him. What that sick bastard did to my poor girl! She trusted him! Well, she couldn't tell her husband or her poor child what had happened. All she could say was that he was sent to her and her husband from heaven and made me swear not to tell anyone. She has been long gone now I guess, no sense in keeping the word of a dead woman, especially when it concerns another's well being. Please, keep this to yourself. Only one other knows about it and I don't think he will be stepping up to claim him any time soon."

"I cannot hide it from the young master," he said wiping the tears from the now crying grandmother's eyes.

"But I don't want him to think he had to live his life the way the Joker does. It isn't right to make one think that is his only option."

"I know but it is also not right to lie to him." The woman looked at the butler very seriously.

"The man who raised him may not be his father but he was his dad. Any idiot could be a father, that's obvious; people who shouldn't have children have them anyway. It takes a real father to be someone's dad. You just remember that when you are telling the poor boy his father is a crazed clown with some serious personal issues!" Alfred just frowned. "I think you should leave good sir," she said in a way that really said 'get out fuck face'. Alfred just nodded and gave her a number.

"If you ever need to contact me," he said. He took his hat and tipped it off to the fiery woman and left. He climbed back in the car and began the long journey home.

…………………..

Dick came down the drive way with his bike ready to leave for a short drive. The car stopped and the window was rolled down. It was Alfred. Dick smiled at the butler/friend and gave him a friendly wave. "Wuddup Al," he asked.

"Master Dick," he said happily, "I-I-have a nice ride," he said. Dick gave him a concerned look. Alfred smiled but his eyes were sad and full of pity. The window was rolled up and the car drove forward. Dick just shrugged and continued on his way.

……………………..

Alfred wanted to hit himself. He had that change to have a talk with Dick and he totally blew it off. Alfred suddenly knew how Dick's grandmother felt. He had the chance to tell him but he just didn't have the heart. He walked into the house miserably and ran into Bruce. He gave Bruce a smile and Bruce smiled back jogging down the stares. Alfred was reminded of when Bruce was a small boy and he often times told him not to run down the stares. He had the urge to do so as well.

"Twenty years ago I would have scolded you for running down those stares," he said wisely.

"Yea, and twenty years ago I would have ignored you up until I actually fell down the stares."

"Haha, yes that was quite the sight to see Master Bruce."

"I know how much you like to tell me you told me so."

"Quite so master Bruce."

"So did you find Dick's grandmother or was she unavailable?" Bruce half expected a look of shock on Alfred's face but instead he got a big smile.

"Well, sir, I see you have found how to use the computer further. Yes I did find her and no she was not unavailable, just a little hostile."

"Why did you look for her," he asked.

"Answers."

"And did you get them?"

"Yes, sir, I did."

"Was the response what you wanted?"

"No, not it wasn't. Well, Master, I'm tired and wish to rest if that is quite alright with you."

"Sure Alfred," he said patting his old friend on the shoulder, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Bright and early," he said with a smile. Bruce watched his old friend leave. He put on a smile. He would find out what was going on. Alfred was good at secrets, but he wasn't that good, it was just a matter of good detective skills which Bruce prided himself in.

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Well, be nice, and I hope you guys like it. As far as I know this is the most original thing that has happened in Batman so I hope you look forward to the next update.

I saw that new batman movie and it was amazing. I love the joker, he is my absolute favorite character ever! Well, he is almost everyone's favorite. I think Jack Nickleson did good with what he had to work with, a family film. Heath Ledger did better and it was more like the character! Sweet Psychotic Action!


	2. Sneaky Sneaky

Well I guess I should update

Well I guess I should update. That last chapter sort of let everything happen at once I know but that is for some reason my style of writing. What is going to happen today? Well I don't really know so let's just wait and see shall we.

Chapter 2

Bruce looked at the clock. It was the middle of the night. He went downstairs for a glass of water. As he climbed down the stairs half asleep he went into the kitchen and saw Alfred sitting at the table with a cup of coffee looking distraught. Bruce had a look of concern on his face. "Alfred," he asked his old friend. Alfred looked up half scared and smiled when he saw it was just Bruce. He greeted him warmly and asked what he was doing up. "Came down for some water. Is everything alright, you look distressed about something."

"Oh yes, master Bruce, everything is fine. Just have a lot on my mind."

"Do you need some time off?"

"No, no, of course not."

"Are you sure, you seem really distant, maybe you should get some sleep yourself."

"Yes, quite right, I will in a bit. Just need to think a few things over."

What Bruce didn't realize was what kept the poor old man awake. He couldn't stop thinking about his encounter with the old woman and what he discovered about poor Dick. He had to tell the boy but his grandmother was so bent on him not knowing. Bruce just smiled and nodded and went back to bed after having his water. Alfred went back to his thoughts. Nothing could ever prepare him for what he had to tell the others. Suddenly a fear over came him, what would happen if Bruce were to find this out…what were to happen if the Joker found this out? It plagued his mind, the different possibilities, and there was no way he would be able to sleep.

He feared Joker coming and claiming what he would believe was his. He feared Bruce out casting Dick because of whom he was. It was Bruce's house and he could choose who lived there and who didn't. Alfred shook his head. On the other hand Bruce may see the loyalty that Dick had given him and the boys heritage would make no difference and the Joker may want nothing to do with him other then remain a rival. He sighed in frustration, too much to worry about, too many secrets.

…………………………………….

Alfred had not slept for days and it was beginning to show. His frail skin was slightly sickish, his eyes had dark bags around them, his hair was messy in a way that made him look like an Arkham patient. He was a little nervous around Dick and very cautious around Bruce. It made the both of them wonder what was wrong with the poor butler.

"This all started after he came back from visiting family," said Batman to Robin while they were out patrolling where Alfred couldn't here them.

"Maybe he is loosing a family member," suggested Robin, "you know, someone really close to him."

"His sister Margaret had passed away, his daughter Barbara only writes on occasion," said Batman eliminating surviving members. "Who else do we know about?"

"His brother, what's-his-face," suggested Robin being bad with names (really its because I don't know his name).

"But he has been missing for some time, why would that be bothering him now?"

"Maybe he found out he was eaten by a tiger?" This just earned him a glare from his guardian. Robin gave him a defensive smile. "Come on it was a joke."

"It wasn't funny. What if that is actually what happened and he found out!?"

"Would he tell us?"

"I'm not sure, maybe it was a funeral he attended."

"Maybe," Robin said offhandedly. Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of an explosion. The two rushed to the scene to see it was Two Face breaking into a vault. Batman told Robin to stay where he was. Robin just nodded and waited for henchmen to get in the way.

………………………………..

Joker had planned it out so perfectly, he had one of the crazies play sick. When he did so a guard who was a rooky went over to see if he was okay. It was non other then the Riddler who was the brilliant actor. They planned it out to escape together. When he came into the prison the Riddler grabbed the guards gun and stuck it to his head.

"Riddle me this," he said, "A fortress with no doors or windows and a fountain with gold n the middle."

"Um…I know this," stuttered the guard.

"Come on now," said Riddler, "my trigger finger is starting to itch."

"Um…I…I…"

"Nope," he said with a smile.

"No wait-"

"Then answer is (BOOM)…an egg," he laughed wicked, "splattered your head just like an egg!"

"Hey, jokes are my line," said the Joker defensively.

"Haha sorry Joker, couldn't resist," he said half hearteldy. He picked up the keys and let his partner in crime go. Riddler changed clothes with the dead guard and put hand cuffs on the Joker. He tilted the hat so no one would recognize him. He walked him right out of the front door saying he was taking the prisoner out for a ride and some fresh air. You can't keep people cooped up or they would go crazy!

………………………………………

Batman and Robin came back to the batcave exhausted from a successful night. Alfred was there to great them but not with a smile, with a look of tired worry and concern. "Master Bruce, Master Dick, come watch the news. It's bad." He lead them from the cave to the living room after they were dressed in normal clothes. The news woman was standing behind Arkham Asylum.

"Not to long ago two criminally insane patients escaped killing a guard on his first night on the job and disguising themselves as a guard and a prisoner. It was not seen as suspicious until they found the so called Riddler dead in his cell. It was later concluded that the actually Riddler and the Joker were the escapees. Will Batman and Robin be able to put them back or will the police be able to put them away this time. He hat the scene we have Commissioner Gordon. Commissioner Gordon what are your opinions?"

"The Joker and Riddler are dangerous criminals. It doesn't matter if the police or Batman and Robin put them away as long as they are back in prison. All we can do is hope for the best and pray they don't hurt any innocents before we get to them."

"That was Commissioner Gordon on Gotham News Weekly. Back to you Hank and Patricia."

Bruce turned off the TV. There was nothing he could do about it. It was to early in the morning and the two of them needed sleep. He went upstairs thinking about where to start his search tonight. His work was never done. He often times felt like the underpaid nurse. He had just cleaned up one mess for Gotham and now needed to pickup again.

Robin and Alfred exchanged looks. "What do you think," asked Dick.

"I think Bruce might be over working himself."

"I think you are over working yourself as well," said Dick, "what is wrong with you lately?"

"Just a lot on my mind is all," he gave Dick a warm smile and sent him off to bed. This did not settle him at all. Later that morning when he thought that Alfred suspected him asleep he snuck downstairs. He apparently wasn't the only one thinking the same thing. Bruce had almost hit him with a door on the way out of his own room. The two whispered quietly to each other.

"What are you doing up Dick?"

"I could ask you the same thing Bruce."

"I just want to find out what is wrong with Alfred."

"Yea me to. It's obvious that he isn't going to tell us."

"Yea, any ideas where to start."

"Well, what was he doing before he left to see family?"

"Searching for someone on the computer."

"Let's see what he was looking for online then," said Dick, "then maybe we can find out what family he was looking for."

"Good idea, then we can track them down and ask what is going on," said Bruce. The two went down to the batcave where the main computer was. Bruce logged in and looked up the recent search sites Alfred had been on. There was a people search sight. When Bruce looked it up he couldn't find the name but he did find the address. It was an address outside of Gotham.

"I thought all of Al's family other then his brother and niece were in London," said Dick.

"Unless it wasn't his family he was looking for," said Bruce curiously. Dick gave him a confused look. "It wasn't until after he looked at your blood test that he had an interest to go see this family member."

"Think we should check it out," asked Dick.

"Tomorrow. Alfred will be down here any minute now and we really do need sleep before the sun comes up."

"Yea, okay, tomorrow when Al isn't around," said Dick nodding.

……………………….

Joker laughed hestarically as Riddler drove the car at extreme speeds down the highway. Neither had ever teamed up together before and they were having a blast. It was almost sunrise and already they had managed two banks. Oh how the world was going to flip when they see two banks robbed at the same time while they were all in their beds asleep. They didn't plan on sticking together for too long. Just until the bat and his birdie caught up with them.

"Oh take a left here," said Joker, "I need to pick someone up and let her know I'm still alive."

"Oh, a lady, what's her name and is she available?"

"Her name is Harley Quinn and no she's not," said Joker dangerously.

"Ooo, sorry, didn't know she was spoken for," said Riddler defensively not really wanting to upset his new friend. When they arrived at Jokers old hide out a few old henchmen showed up and the lovely girl in black and red with a pale face jumped and squealed in delight. Riddler covered his ears. "That's quite alright, I don't think I could take the squealing anyway."

"Puddin'," she said excitedly running to the Joker.

"Cupcake," he said holding his arms out to catch the acrobat. She jumped up and nearly knocked him out of the car. She smiled sheepishly up at him.

"Sorry puddin' didn't realize just how much I missed ya I guess."

"Quite alright cupcake, let me introduce to you my new friend, the Riddler. Riddler this is Harley Quinn."

"Pleasure to meet you miss," he said holding out a hand with a smile.

"Pleasure ta meet ya to mistah," she said excitedly taking his hand, "oh mistah J you wont believe how scared I was when they caught ya!"

"Never fear my darling, they can only hold me for so long before I find some brilliant way out," said Joker with a dramatic pose. She giggled a bit, she liked when he was dramatic about it that way, it was one of the things she loved about him.

"Brilliant? We dressed up like a guard and prisoner and said you were going for a ride," said Riddler raising a brow. Joker just glared at him and he just shrugged and smiled innocently.

…………………

Let me know that you guys exist out their!! REVIEW PLEASE!! You make it so lonely. I think I'm going to actually switch this one over to the comic section. I only read a few comics but why not. I don't know yet so…yea…hope you enjoyed.


	3. Greyson has left the building

IT'S A BIRD

IT'S A BIRD! IT'S A PLANE! NO, ITS FAGMAN!! Haha just kidding superman fans. I hate superman but it's cool if you like him. Just please don't sent me links to his shows or I'll cry. Well here is a batman update. Dick is gonna break a few laws in this one. Don't worry nothing that can't be easily fixed by Bruce and his listening ear. I won't spoil it for you though.

Trimacle: Ya, I know, that's why I did it. Did ya see it coming? I sure as hell didn't!

Go-stevie-go: hey stalker, next time leave the car lights off, they were shining through my window while I was typing this chapter! Naw I'm just jokin' with ya! I LUV YA HONEY!!

Chapter 3

Bruce and Dick both went to the blood machine. Bruce had yet to think of a name for it. It didn't matter, it was cool and that's what matters! He plugged it back in and looked up the memory. He came across the Jokers profile. "Wow, he must have gotten the wrong sample," said Bruce.

"How," asked Dick confused.

"Well you and the Joker were both bloodied up pretty bad."

"Wow, I don't remember that!"

"How much of that night _do_ you remember?"

"Good point," said Dick, "just the part were I fell through the skylight." Bruce just smirked at his young protégé. Dick gave him a shy smile. They looked up his DNA and the profile popped up. What appeared shocked them both. The Joker and Dick's profile stood side by side with the similar DNA strand. Dick didn't want to believe it! He had a father and it WASN'T the Joker. Bruce didn't want to believe it either. His protégé who he loved like a son was his arch nemesis's son (that's fun to say…SAY IT! Arch nemesis's son). He shook his head. No, Dick was NOT the Joker, he was a great person. Then again…now that he thought about it….they did have a bit in common.

The eyes were similar before Joker fell into the toxic waist. The skin color use to be similar, and the hair color was to. But Dick was nothing like the Joker…that didn't mean anything though.

Dick was wondering how this could be true. They didn't even LOOK the same. Then again, he had never seen the Joker before the crazy make up and creepy Steven King clown persona. He felt his knees give away and fell on his butt. Bruce had a pretty good idea what the sixteen year old was thinking.

"Dick, there is probably a malfunction in the machine, a mistake." Of course Bruce didn't really believe what he himself was saying.

"How does something like this happen?"

"I'm sure that if we took you both to a real hospital we could get this all straitened out."

"Why didn't Alfred tell me?"

"There is a logical explanation."

"Why didn't my mother tell me?"

"Look Dick maybe your blood mixed with his!"

"What do I do now? I now feel like a traitor playing on the good guys side but I don't have the heart to be a villain."

"Well, no, DNA strands don't mix with each other."

"Why didn't the Joker tell me?"

"There has to be some way to tell if this thing is broken! Damn! Why didn't I get a button that would tell me if it was broken or not!?"

"What if Joker doesn't know?"

"Dick your rambling," said Bruce not realizing he was also rambling.

"I need to go for a walk," he said with his hand on his head.

"Wait, Dick, don't go anywhere."

"I'll be back before it's to late I promise," he said staggering out the door.

"No, Dick, I don't think it is good for you to go out tonight. Matter of fact, I think your to distracted to fight any crime either, just….you need sleep."

"I need fresh air…" he left the house ignoring Bruce's pleads to stay. Bruce just sighed and went to look for Alfred for answers.

……………………….

"It is true master Bruce," said Alfred sadly, "I hunted down his last living relative and heard the whole story."

"Well they were lying," said Bruce.

"No, master Bruce, I can spot a lie on anyone, you know that." Bruce sighed in defeat. He did know that and that is what killed him.

"Why didn't you tell us?"

"I feared that the boy would forget that he had a father who was a good man, and the Joker was not his father."

"But the Joker-"

"Did not raise him." Bruce was taken aback. "You see master Bruce, a father is more then just someone who helps make you, he is the man who raised you. The Joker may have impregnated his mother, but he did not RAISE him. His mothers husband raised him into the young man his is today…and so did you. I did not tell you to for fear of Dick's well being and for fear of you rejecting the boy you could call not just a partner or a friend…but possibly a son." Bruce had not looked at it that way. Alfred was right. But convincing him was not the trick, it was Dick, he was a mess and out late at night for fresh air.

"Where is master Dick," asked Alfred.

"Went out for air," said Bruce.

"At 10 pm," asked Alfred doubtfully.

"Yea, he said….." Bruce suddenly realized how ridiculous it was to go out for a walk so close to midnight. Alfred shook his head as Bruce ran out to look for his sidekick.

"Intellegent man...not very smart at times though."

……………………………..

It took Bruce almost an hour before he found Dick. He was leaned against a wall in the alley way drunk off his ass. Bruce grabbed Dick and slung his arm over his broad shoulders. Normally he would have disapproved of Dick drinking underage and being out and about way passed curfew but the circumstances were different tonight. He walked the silent teen home and set him by the toilette just incase he had to throw up.

"You okay Dick," he asked.

"No," he grumbled, "my whole life is a lie."

"No it isn't," said Bruce trying to be understand, "just a few missing pieces is all."

"The man I thought was my father never told me he wasn't my father."

"He was your father though, so you weren't related by blood, who cares!? He cared about you and that is what's important."

"Maybe I should go out and become the next Joker," said Dick with a laugh.

"Maybe you shouldn't. Drinking underage and driving around on that motorcycle passed curfew is enough laws for one night."

"I could be GIGGLES!! HAHAHAHA," he began to laugh so hard he couldn't breath.

"Okay, I think you need to go to bed."

"Getofame," he said really low, "I donts needs no sleep popeye!"

"Who?"

"Waldo!"

"What?"

"YATZEE!" He began laughing furiously again, "I WIN GO FISH!"

"You don't even know what your talking about anymore Dick."

"No, you're the dick! You lied to me to! How long have you know!?"

"Known what?"

"Don't play stupid with me Brucy boy," he said angrily swaggering up, "you could have told me that Panda Bears were not bears! How could you let me go on thinking they were bears! Their cats and bats aren't rats they are mammals!" Bruce had no idea what poor Dick was talking about. Suddenly he popped off of the ground with a determand look on his face. "I'm going to tell him," he said with a slur.

"Tell who what?"

"The Joker. I had to live a lie for sixteen years and so has he. No point in making him still believe it if he doesn't have to. I'm going to tell him who I am and that Panda's are NOT bears!"

"Look, Dick, I Know your wasted, having identity crisis, and I'm happy that you learned Panda's are cats and all but the Joker has no idea who you even are. Do you really think he will believe you or even care for that matter."

"I have to try! It's the only way! While I'm at it I'm going to tell him who I am and who you are!"

"NO! Absolutely not! If he knows who Batman and Robin are he will kill us in our SLEEP!"

"Batman and Robin? Man I was talking about how I've been living with you sense I was nine." Bruce blushed a bit. That wasn't what he thought Dick meant. "You sure you're okay to be chasing after me?"

"Let's just go to bed Dick."

"NO! I'm not tired and I'm more awake then I have been in a really long time! You are just trying to hold me down because you think I'm not shober enough to drive! Well, Brucy, your wrong! R-O-N-M-N-O-P the ABC's!"

"Dick your not making any sense." Dick put his hand up in a way a preacher would when praising and preaching and very dramatically said.

"Say what you must my dear Brucy! Greyson is OUT!" And he fell backwards and flat on the bathroom floor. Bruce just shook his head. _Note to self. Dick and alcohol do not mix._

………………………………………….

This was a fun chapter to write. Hope you guys enjoyed it.


	4. Last Drink

Okay time for an update

Alright, an update! And guess what Batman fans! We have a special appeareance for the disclaimer!

Scarecrow: Hello children. Daughteralucard does not own anything but the idea. DON'T LOCK ME UP AGAIN!! AHHHH

Me: 0.o he scares me just a little….

Go-stevie-go:Yea this story is coming out great I know.

Simone1: Don't fall off your chair! Medical bills are expensive!

Chapter ??

Joker, Harley, and Riddler were driving at extreme speeds laughing ferociously as the henchmen drove and prepared for whatever hell these psychopaths were going to put them through. All they knew was what direction Riddler lead them. When they finally did stop it was outside a rather large bank. They weren't sure why they were only hitting banks and why they were getting hit in broad daylight but they figured it had something to do with batman. If batman were sneaking out in the middle of the day people would start to notice things.

Harley jumped out of the car with a shotgun in hand. Not really her gun of choice but it was what her Puddin' picked up for her so she was more then happy to oblige. The sudo masochist smiled evilly as she watched her Puddin' pull out an automatic and his new friend a small machine gun. The three swaggered in like they owned the place. Harley cocked her gun and shot at the roof. "Alright everyone," said the Joker, "let's not panic to much! We need to still get a hold of the money! Now, I would like you all to give me a giggle and your purses if you would."

"Wait till batman and robin catch up with you," said the security guard. He heard a shot go off next to his head and he froze in fear. Joker, who knew exactly were the shot came from, rounded on his ditzy dame.

"Harley," he said sharply, "we don't want to KILL him! The last thing we want is a good excuse for the bat to come out during the day!"

"Sorry mistah J," she whimpered.

"Why are you such a jerk to her man," asked the guard ignoring the fact that a trigger happy psycho almost blew his head off. He felt kind of bad for her. This wasn't the first time he had been held up by the Joker or the Riddler. He had seen the way Joker treated the poor girl.

"Hey, was anyone talking to you," asked Harley.

"Look, I'm just sticking up for you," he argued.

"Well don't," said Joker, "just shut up! You know the drill!" The guard shuffled over to the vault to open it for them as he had several times before. Riddler followed harley in with the henchmen in tow. "Secretly," whispered Joker to the guard, "when she gets pissed she is worse then me."

"Now that we have our money, we are leaving," said the Riddler.

"Toodles," said the Joker waving goodby. Harley laughed as they walked off. The guard made a move to stop them as their backs were turned. He grabbed the Joker and aimed his gun at the super villain.

"PUDDIN'," shouted Harley in fear.

"Riddler grabbed Harley's gun and shot the guard in the foot. The guard let go of Joker and bounced around in fear. "If you can solve my riddle, I'll let you live," said the Riddler. He turned around and saw Harley fuss over her Joker and the Joker trying to shove her to the ground. He shook his head, what an odd couple, they deserve each other though. "Riddle me this, if a rooster laid a brown egg and a white egg, what kind of chicks would hatch?"

"ROOSTER," he said suddenly.

"Wrong-o," said the Riddler. He pulled the trigger and blew the guards brains all over the vault. The Joker and Riddler both laughed.

"So what kind of chicks would they be," asked Harley. Joker rolled his eyes and smacked her upside the head.

"Roosters don't lay eggs you dizzy twit," he said.

"Oh, hehe, right, I knew that," she said with a sheepish smile. The sounds of sirens quickly approached and they decided now was a good time to leave.

……………..(I just wanna fly!!)….

Dick was still passed out. Bruce had take a couple days off so he could help his young protégé. He turned on the news and saw the Joker and Riddler were robbing banks together. Bruce sighed in frustration. To much going on at once. He couldn't patrol, he couldn't leave Dick alone, God knows what he would do next, and he couldn't be batman in the middle of the day anyway. He needed the element of night to avoid to much attention. Daytime was a bad idea.

"The Joker still running loose Master Bruce," asked Alfred.

"Yea, I don't know what to do. I'm afraid of taking Dick out patrolling and I think this new discovery will prevent him from wanting to take the Joker in. Dick had the insane idea of telling the Joker who he was."

"Well, let's hope he doesn't put himself in another drunkin stupor Master Bruce."

"Yea, I hear that, angry drunk."

"Where is young Master Dick anyway," he asked not seeing him all day.

"I put him to bed last night, he is probably still their, he drunk an awful lot."

"But I was just there, he isn't and the liquor cabinat is empty by the way."

"WHAT!?"

……………………………(Woohoo!)………….

Dick had a God awful hangover when he woke up the next morning. He remembered several coactions when Bruce would wake up with one and would drink more liquor to keep the hangover away. He figured that was a good idea, what he didn't figure was that he had a natural drinking problem. Now that he started he really couldn't stop. Yea, Bruce was going to be pissed, did he care? Not really!

He swaggered down the street and saw a bank being robbed. He turned back into an alley and saw it was Joker and Riddler with that ditz whats-her-face that followed Joker like a puppy. Why did she put up with a creep like that anyway? The jerkoff abused her badly, he had seen it himself, it was not a pretty sight. Then again, he had seen her angry at him before to, he could swear the next time they saw the Joker was at his funeral, if a body was ever found. Nice girl, scary when she was angry. Dick was just happy it didn't hardly ever happen. He couldn't imagine trying to fight that all the time.

He swaggered over with the brilliant idea to go stop some crime as Dick Greyson. He laughed at the idea. He would be so popular! He swaggered over and the villains watched him curiously.

"What is he doing," asked Harley.

"Who is that," asked Joker.

"That's the Greyson kid that lives with Bruce Wayne. Remember, his parents were killed some years ago. He was like nine."

"Oh yea, remembah Puddin', he was that orphan brat Bruce took in."

"Oh right, that charity thing Bruce did to protect the kid. Looks like he is drunk to me ahahaha."

"Ooo can we take him with us," asked Harley, "we can have a hostage."

"Harley, why would we do that," asked Riddler getting tired of her stupidness.

"Well, we hold him hostage anonymously."

"No, I like it," said Joker, "strap some explosives to him and-" The conversation was cut short as the police rounded the corner. "Damn kid," cursed the Joker. They shot off in the car forgetting about the hostage idea. Dick looked around for his bike only to remember that he had left it somewhere last night. He was going to turn around and walk home when he was met face to face with an unhappy Bruce waiting for him standing outside the Civic. Dick smiled and waved.

"How much more did you drink?"

"Not much, only half the bottle. Don't remember what I did with the rest though."

"That's a good thing. I think your turning yourself into a drunk. You need to get off the bottle now. Get in the car and lets go before the cops see us."

"I saw Joker and Riddler and that one chick!"

"I saw them two. I put a tracking device on the car now lets go."

"Good idea," he said jumping in the car.

"No more drinking, yes?"

"Right no more drinking. I don't think I much like myself drinking."

"Good."

………………………………….

Next time Batman decides its okay to let Robin work with him in catching the Joker. How will that go down?


	5. Suspect

Okay its another update for yo uguys

Okay its another update for yo uguys. I know I should update more but I'm a bit preoccupied. I just finished a story so this should have more frequent updates. Here is your update.

Chapter 5

Batman and Robin followed the tracker. It lead to the Riddler but not the Joker. Batman didn't think to much of it, obviously the duo could not work together anymore and decided to split up. That just made this that much easier on him anyway.

He jumped down and saw the Riddler planning out his next morning heist. Batman jumped through the window followed by the boy wonder. Robin took on the henchmen. One came at him with a chain. Robin grabbed the chain and pulled the man toward him and planted his fist in the henchman's gut. The next two came at him. He tossed the first one at the one on the left and then did a fly kick at the one on the right. He turned to the left and stomped on his instep breaking his foot. The man cried out and dropped his friend.

Batman went after the Riddler. "Riddle me this, riddle me that, who's afraid of the big black bat? (Thanks for the quote Jim Carry)" Batman sprang into action. The Riddler threw a riddler bomb at him but he dodged it and threw a bat blade at him. It caught the Riddler in the side and he fell to the ground. The cops surrounded the area. Batman ran back over to Robin and the two lept for the closest window to another roof top to watch. Batman narrowed his eyes. The Riddler went down to easily. Something had to be up.

…………..(His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free)………….

Joker laughed wickedly as he and Harley drove away. He needed a new hide out, one that the bat didn't know about. He remembered one from a long time ago. He had not used it in ages but now was as good a time as any. The thing was it was so long ago was not the Joker when he used it and it wasn't really _his_ hideout. It was good old Sal Vators hideaway. He parked the car and he and Harley got out looking at the old broken down gas station. Harley gave him a worried look. This was not at all like her Puddin'.

"What is this place," she asked a bit nervous.

"This was and old hide out for gansters a long time ago cupcake. Let's go, you will probably find something to occupy yourself with until I set things in motion." They walked into the old gas station. Harley immediately had to clean the place up. She wasn't really a neat freak but there was no way in Hell she would stay in such a dump without alcohol, and as she had none, she had to do the next best thing. Joker smiled, sure enough, that massive mess that was the gas station would keep her occupied for hours. It would take weeks to clean this place up if Joker was lucky.

He sat on a couch in the back and thought things over and looked over plans while Harley cleaned. She came across an old black coat that had the name Napier stitched into it. She picked it up and looked over at the love of her life. The coat was obviously to big to belong to him but wasn't Napier his last name before he became the Joker? She remembered now, Jack, Jack Napier. One of those things he told her and only her. She smiled a bit, she was nosy, no doubt about that, and the itching to know bit at her like a cat and his cat nip. She pulled out what seemed to be a photo of the Joker when he was just Jack. Next to him was a beautiful young girl with long black hair, pale skin, and beautiful green eyes. Harley felt jealousy and rage build up inside of her. She put on an innocent face and walked over to the Joker. She stood in front of him quietly until he felt uncomfortable under her vulture like gaze. "What," he asked irritably not looking from his work.

"Um, Puddin, out of curiosity, who is this," she said, her tone changing from curious to anger. He looked up in shock and saw a picture he had not seen in so long. It was a younger him with non other then one of the Flying Grayson's. The picture froze the beauty of her in that moment. He felt his heart skip a beat not of shock in seeing the picture, but of the look he was getting from his current girlfriend. He smiled and took the picture.

"Now, now, let's not jump to conclusions Harley, I haven't seen this dame in YEARS. You remember, she died some years ago. Tragic fall. You have nothing to be jealous of."

"JEALOUS!! ME JEALOUS!? I'M NOT JEALOUS! I'M PERFECTLY FINE!"

"Calm down, your screaming!!"

"I.AM.NOT.SCREAMING!"  
"Now, now, if you don't calm down I will have to force you to," he said grabbing one of the parts of her harlequin hat and threatening to shove her out. She looked angrily at him but shoved him. She turned around and walked off continuing her cleaning ignoring him completely. He sighed, at last, he could work again.

………………………………………(Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever)………

The Riddler walked back into Arkham and traded gazes with Poison Ivy. He smiled and she smiled back. When it was time for lunch Riddler sat next to her giving her an envelope that said not to open until it was lights out. She nodded and he left to sit with Penguin and Scarecrow.

………………….(The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.)………………….

Not much I know but all things will come together next time I promise.

Keep reviewing go-stevie-go


	6. Robbery Session

Yay

Yay! Update! This will be a most triumphant chapter with plenty of giggles to satisfy. Haha sorry I'm watching Bill and Ted's most excellent adventure. So here is your chapter hope you enjoy.

Chapter 6

Penguin, Ivy, Catwoman, and Riddler were all four so close to being free. They were in a strait line in the air vents. Riddler in the lead and Penguin in the back the two women were in the middle. Catwoman felt something brush against her and felt her cheeks go bright red. "Hey pervert! Hands off!"

"I didn't touch you ya little minx," snapped Penguin.

"Then what was that? Riddler grabbing me from up front," she asked sarcastically.

"Hey I wouldn't touch you if you were the last pussy cat on earth. Sorry but I don't go for bat leftovers!"

"What was that," she said with her voice now rising.

"You heard me," he said also raising his voice.

"Both of you knock it off," said Ivy.

"Yea, you're going to get us all caught," agreed Riddler, "assuming they haven't already heard you that is."

"Let's keep it moving then," said Penguin impatiently. They continued to crawl on to freedom. When they reached an exit Riddler pushed open the exit but it wouldn't budge. Ivy, Catwoman, and Penguin helped him shove. It began to creep open as the screws popped out one at a time when finally BANG!

They all fell to the ground piling on each other. Riddler whimpered in pain as he was at the bottom of the villain pile.

"Get off of me you big freak," snarled Catwoman. Penguin struggled to his feet and grabbed Catwoman by the arm and jerked her up. Ivy pulled herself off and watched Catwoman shove Penguin. He returned the shove and she knocked him to the ground.

Riddler pulled himself up next to Ivy and gasped for air. He watched as the childish super villains bickered and shoved each other. "If you guys don't stop I am leaving you here for the guards," whispered Riddler. They both stopped and gave each other nasty looks and followed. He led them through the woods and into the getaway car driven by a man with clown make up.

……………………………………………..

"_I put it on the sports channel and you change it! You stupid bitch," Mr. Napier shouted at his wife. He flew his fist across her already beaten face. She cried out as she fell to the ground. Jack stood in the door way. A young eight year old child watching his father beat his poor broken mother._

"_I'm sorry," she said with the tears falling from her face. Jack felt the pain in his heart begin to grow. It wasn't his mother who had changed the channel, it was him, he wanted to watch cartoons and forgot to switch it back. Yet here she was, taking the blame to protect him, and he was letting it happen. He summoned his courage and walked into the room and saw his father kick his mother repeatedly in the ribs._

"_She didn't do it," he said with a shaky voice._

"_Jack," she said, "get out. Go to your room please!"_

"_It was me," he said. His father turned on him. His eyes full of fury and his breath stinking of whisky. He had been drinking again. No surprise._

Joker woke up from his nightmare. Memories he would rather not remember. He felt his heart pounding and his eyes with water in them. He fought the feelings back to make himself dead inside again. He looked around and saw Harley asleep on the couch. He looked down at his plans. The Smiling Parana plan (haha sound familiar?) he had been working on. He was going to give them some of his joker gas to make them smile so Batman would see their hungry smiles in his final moments. He rubbed his eyes. He worked himself to sleep.

He walked over to her and saw that she still had that woman's picture in her hands. Why? He had no idea but he knew better then to question things she did. He feared he would get an answer. He then saw that in the other hand was a newspaper clipping she probably dug out as well. He took it and saw it was the Flying Grayson's. He smirked. He remembered her now. Pretty little thing who was going to marry that Grayson guy. Yea, he knew just who he was to. The two had been fighting over her for a long time and she wasn't so sure she was marrying the right guy for her. A night together with a bit to much drinking then she up and left the next morning.

He reread the article, it had been a really long time sense he had seen it. Newly weds pregnant with baby. Suspicion it wasn't Grayson's baby. Joker laughed silently to himself so as not to wake Harley. Who else would the child belong to? Stupid ignorant man he was, not that daft, at least Joker didn't think he was. He shrugged and put the article back in Harley's hand. Well, she had a kid, good for her. The memory that the Grayson's had died in a horrible circus accident had come back to him. He saw it on the news and everything. Wasn't that kid staying with someone famous now? Oh right, Bruce Wane.

Joker kicked back on the couch across from Harley. He would have gone back to sleep but he feared having another nightmare or finishing the one he was having. Speaking of Bruce Wane, Joker was rather board, and he was a rather wealthy man. He smiled and got up then looked at the clock. It was 3 am, Bruce would probably be asleep right now, good as time as any to rob him without getting caught and if he did get caught, well he and Harley could recruit some more super villains. He walked over to wake Harley up.

"Wake up my sweet," he whispered in her ear. She gave a cute little yawn and her eyes fluttered open.

"What's goin' on Puddin'," she asked. Joker smiled.

"I can't sleep and I am in the mood for a little fun." Harley smiled back and crawled up. She shoved the picture and news article in her pocket when Joker turned his back. A purple car pulled up in the gas station and four escapees came out. He walked out with a smile on his face. "Hey chums, were going on a midnight heist."

"No plans," asked Catwoman lifting an eyebrow.

"Nope, we're going to wing it tonight. With Bruce Wane."

……………………………..

Batman and Robin stood in the Arkham Asylum with Commissioner Gordon looking at the air vent that had been screwed open by a spork.

"This is why the Riddler went down so easily," said Batman, "Riddler is just a recruiter."

"You think they are trying to break everyone out," asked Robin.

"No, only the people they find useful. Catwoman, Harley, and Ivy have stealth. Harley and Ivy had proven in the past that they work very well together. Riddler is obviously sneaky."

"And Penguin? What use is he to Joker?"

"He is very dedicated. Once he finds a cause he sticks to it and refuses to let it go. He is also a very practical man who can find a cheap simple answer to almost anything."

"Wow, so he is around to save a few bucks. Guess that means the Joker is running out of money."  
"How is he running out if he is robbing banks?"

"Maybe he owns someone money," suggest Gordon.

"Or maybe it's bail money," said Batman, "incase someone important gets locked up."

"Maybe," said Gordon, "but how will we know for sure?"

"We wont, not until someone else gets caught," said Robin, "but we can't just let them rob the city blind,"

"It's hard to rob a city with no money, isn't it," suggested Gordon. Batman thought about it. That was very true, it's hard to steal money when there is no money to steal. That didn't explain why he needed free villain service though.

"What do they all have in common," asked Batman with a new idea. Gordon and Robin exchanged looks. They just shrugged there shoulders. Non of these villains really had anything in common. "There ego," he said, "this plan is going to explode in Jokers face because you can't lead a group of leaders. They are all going to want control."

"Well, that is true," said Gordon, "you suggest we just let them destroy each other from the inside out?"

"Exaclty," said Batman.

"What about he robberies," asked Robin.

"We chase after them like usual but we can't lock them up here. We may have to let them go."

"Right, we will have all the banks send there money to banks out of town, let them get away and eventually split up, then lock them all back up," said Gordon summing it all up.

Batman and Robin both left making Gordon feel like he was just talking to himself. He sighed, he hated it when they did that. He shared his plans with the others.

……………………………..

The clown parked the car in the back and the villains climbed out and broke into Bruce's mansion. Catwoman and Ivy took the first floor, Harley and Joker took the second, and Penguin and Riddler took the third. Taking anything and everything that looked valuable the all finally took the fourth floor. There was a machine sitting one room that looked rather expensive.

"What is it," asked Penguin.

"Not sure," said Joker, "let's plug it in and check it out." He plugged it in and a screen popped up. The six looked over the screen and saw that it said 'eject DNA'. They all exchanged looks.

"Put it in Riddler," said Ivy.

"You're nuts," he said, "you put yours in Selina."

"Why make Harley do it."

"No way! I'm a doctor not a subject. Puddin' why don't you put your DNA in?"

"Because it is obviously a trap!"

"Oh come on Joker, what are you afraid of, that we just might find out your real identity," asked Riddler.

"Hey wait," said Penguin, "why is it that none of our names are secrets but yours is? I want to know."  
"Yea," said Catwoman, "I want to know who you are to."

"No way! It isn't my fault your identities have all be reviled. I used several alliances before my tragic accident so as to hide who I was! Not my fault none of you thought of that!" Riddler and Penguin exchanged looks. They looked at Joker and smiled. Joker gulped. Next thing he knew he had penguin sitting on in and Riddler holding Harley back form stopping them and tell them to stop picking on him and Ivy puling a hair out of Jokers head. She put it on the tablet and into the computer. Penguin got off of him and Joker went insane with rage. He plummeted Riddler and Harley jumped on Penguin from behind and proceeded to bang him on the head with her little pop gun. Ivy tried to pull Harley off of Penguin and Catwoman was trying to separate Joker and Riddler before Joker killed him. A beeping noise and Catwoman looked over to see the screen popped up with Jack Napier's name and another name.

"Hey look," she said getting everyone's attention. They stopped mid fight and looked at the screen.

Jack "the Joker" Napier

Height: 6'5

Eyes: black

Profession: Criminal Nutcase

"Criminal Nutcase," growled Joker offended by the title.

Parents: Mr. and Ms. Napier (do we know there actual names?)

Parnter and/or Spouce: Dr. Harleen Quinnzel

"Spouce? Oh Joker let's get married Puddin'," said Harley in delight. She had a dreamy look on her face and Joker just rolled his eyes.

Children: Dick Grayson

Joker's jaw dropped. Harley' s dreamy look was shattered to shock. Penguin look curious. Ivy looked at Joker in confusion. Riddler didn't know if he should laugh or keep quite. Catwoman put her hands on her hips. When was Bruce going to tell her about THIS!

………………………………

Batman and Robin got home about 2:30 and saw that the alarm had been tripped. Someone had broken in about 15 minutes ago. Bruce pulled his watch out and called up Alfred.

"Alfred where are you," he asked.

"I'm in the kitchen having a late night snack, is something wrong?"

"Yea, someone has broken in. Probably while you were asleep."

"Oh dear, should I called the police?"

"Let me check out who it is first," he said. He cut the connection and nodded at Robin. He nodded back and followed his guardian closely. They walked up the stares to the last floor and saw the six runaway villains look at a screen. Some humored, some shocked, and the Joker absolutely horrified. They took a step back. Bruce had accidently stepped on Isis, Catwoman's cat (why is the cat there? Because I said he was!) causing it to scream out. Everyone turned around and looked at the owner of the house. They began to advance on the owner and the boy when sirens were heard outside. They scampered different directions. Harley, Ivy, and Catwoman had shoved Bruce out of the way and ran downstares and out the back door ignoring Alfred standing there eating a sandwich.

Penguin jumped out the window with his umbrella and flew across the sky. Riddler threw a smoke bomb on the ground and disappeared, really following the girls to get out.

Joker pulled a peace of paper out of the printer and jumped after Penguin grabbing hold of his shoe and flying across the city sky.

……………………………………………………..

Well I know it's been a while sense I updated but there it is. Hope you liked it.

Next time Joker uses his new discovery to his advantage.


	7. MY son

Okay a new update

Okay a new update! I finally had time to update on some of my stuff so here it is kids! Hope you like.

Go-steve-go: yea, they're awesome….

Chapter 7

Joker paced back and forth, how could this be? How could this happen, when did this happen? Could it be wrong? Yes, that is it, a mistake, it had to be, but how to be sure…

He sat back down to his spot and picked up the dice. He rolled it…arg!! Not an even number! He should have used his get out of jail free card! He just didn't think giving up the two hundred dollars to pass go was worth it! He put his face in his hands and waited as Ivy rolled the dice. She cheered as she moved the little iron forward and bought more property. Now he remembered why he hated play this game with her.

"Maybe you should be more worried about this Dick Grayson kid and less worried about that game," said Catwoman.

"Look, it's a hoax, its obvious. I never had any kids," insisted the Joker.

"Well how do you know," asked Riddler, "that machine new everything else."

"Only one way to find out," said Panguin giving the property to Ivy and picking up the dice, "you will have to get a DNA test done." He moved his little car forward to the railroad and bought it.

"Not a bad idea, just one problem," said Joker deciding to use his get out of jail free card, "if he really is my son then kidnapping him would be a good way to loose him." He rolled the dice and moved his little dog forward buying the land his piece was on.

"Why would you want him," asked Harley watching the game intently hoping that her Puddin' would win.

"Think how helpful the acrobatic little welp could be Harley," he said patiently. If there was one thing he gained from Harley it was what little patience he now had. Before her stupidity would send him after her with a trigger happy finger. Now after being with her for some time he had grown accustome to her dumbness.

"But what if he doesn't want to," she asked. Joker was stumped there. She may have been dumb as a Barbie doll (I don't own) and simple as an empty box but she had a few very good points…mind you only a few.

"Good question kid, he will do it because I tell him to."

"Honestly, Joker, did you ever listen to YOUR parents as a kid," asked Ivy. Joker didn't answer but jumped up in glee as Ivy landed her little iron on his property.

"My boardwalk! Pay up Ivy!" Ivy just humphed and gave him the pink fifties.

…………………………………….

Turns out that even thought they were a band of brilliant supervillans the only thing anyone could think up was to break in and either kidnap Dick Grayson or somehow get his DNA. It also turns out that it wasn't really that hard. As Dick fired up his motorcycle engine he shot out the gates. Joker and Riddler both stood at the gates, shovel in hands, waiting to knock him right in the face, then kidnap him. But when he came zooming by his bike hit a tree root that had grown a little through the road and he did a miraculous summersault through the air and landed on the ground being knocked out.

Riddler and Joker exchanged looks of shock then looked down at Dick. The irony of it! And Ivy wasn't even present at the time! They collected the DNA sample and took it back with them to the secret 'liar' at the broken down gas station.

"Didja get it," asked Harley happy to see Joker.

"Sure did pumpkin," he said holding up the hair in a small bag.

"Great, now lets put it in the old DNA machine!"

"Where did that come from," asked Riddler.

"My old lab," said Ivy, "I usually use it for plants but it works just as well for human DNA. Let's check it out shall we. Joker we will need some of your own DNA." Joker plucked a hair out and gave it to Ivy. She put both strands through he computer and just nodded. "Sure enough, Dick Grayson is your kid Joker. Congrats."

"Your kidding," asked Harley totally crushed.

"Nope, sorry Harley, but it's a match." Harley gave a sigh of unhappiness. She turned to Joker and could see the wheels turning in his head.

"Don't worry kiddo," he said, "the only thing this really changes is we have a new addition to our little family." He laughed in an evil sort of way. Oh was this going to be ever so fun!

…………………………………….

"Hello," said Alfred answering the phone.

"Hey, is Brucy in," came the overjoyed voice of the Joker.

"I'm sorry I think you have the wrong number," said Alfred.

"Oh I think not. Just tell him I will see him in court about MY son! Tootles!" That wicked laughter was heard and then the dial tone. Alfred stood in shock with the phone to his ear. The phone slipped out of his hand but it did not move. Bruce walked in with Dick slung over his shoulder and saw Alfred standing there with his hand to his ear.

"Um…Alfred," he asked. Alfred slowly turned his head to Bruce, "um, looks like dick had a biking accident I'm going to take him upstairs…are you okay?"

"Master Bruce, we have a very big problem."

……………………………………………..

"Granted," said the Judge. He really didn't want to do this but law was law. The joker had a big smile on his pale face, Bruce was absolutely shocked, Alfred was close to devastated, and Dick was too surprised for words. How could this have happened? How could the court just give him over to a crazy man? It was asked how Joke got a hold of the DNA in the first place but of course no one could prove Joke actually did anything illegal sense his escape. But you can't really arrest him while he was in court. Joker grabbed Dick by the arm and ran out of the court room and jumped into his getaway car droven by Harley.

The police chased after them for a while but eventually Harley lost them. Dick was pale with fright from the life threatening ride with Harley. She was a brilliant doctor, but a really bad driver. Joker just laughed Dick's dismay (say that five times fast). As he jumpt out of the car so did Harley. Joker opened the door for Dick in a mocking manner. Dick got out and Joker slung his arm around Dick's shoulders. "Let me show you around," he said. He led Dick inside and shoved him through the door. "Welcome to Home sweet Hell! This is Harley Quinn, as you know. The temporary roomies are Poison Ivy, Catwoman, Riddler, and Penguin. Everyone meet my son Dick Grayson!"

The smiles and chuckles and waves were enough to unhinge Dick. He helped put all these villains behind bars at Arkham, and non of them knew it.

…………………………..

Next time:

Joker and the gang notice something rather odd about Robin now a days…he is missing!


	8. sorry TT

Hey guys it has been an aweful long time but I have not forgotten you or this story. I am trying to finish several other storys I have going on but I promise I still have this one in mind and am currently writing stuff down for the next chapter.

You can stop holding your breath JA9

Thanks for the reives JA9 and TitanQueen13


	9. slushies!

Yes and update. Please don't kill me for that other chapter. I was baked and in a very humorous mood. But I'm updating now. Again the chapters are still going to be space cause I got other stories going on but hopefully these chapters are going to happen more often instead of once in a blue moon. So here it is and if you're a dbz fan my rewrite is going to start to.

REIVEWS!

Dimensional Traveler: Ya….your talking to the wrong person cause quite frankly I just don't give a shit. It is just a fanfiction who cares were it is at. Anyway glad you liked it keep up the updates even if you hate me now.

TitanQueen13: Well I suggest you skip this part and go strait to the chapter you have been waiting a while.

JA-9: Well my Jamaican fan time to get outa the coffin its reading time. And sorry about that other story without updating this one I had a moment of madness. I have many of those, but here is your long awaited chapter. Damn u put more reviews on the last two chapters then anyone else has.

Chapter 9

Joker sat on his couch with the others struggling to get in. Dick was just sitting watching tv not really doing anything. Joker, Cat woman, Penguin, Ivy, Riddler, and Harley had gone on yet another failed plan. He needed a better plan then the last ones over the course of the week. It was one failed idea after the other and everyone was growing a bit frustrated.

"Hey, we need to come up with something a little more full proof or Batsy and Bird brains are going to catch us and lock us a way agin," sneered Joker, "why the hell am I the only one coming up with the plans the rest of you have brains don't you?"

"Well, I don't know pudin' but you're the only one coming up with ideas at the moment," said Harley.

"Well I got nothing," said Penguin.

"Riddle me this, what is something to some and-"

"Enough with the damned riddles," shouted Ivy, "I'm so tired of trying to figure out what the hell your talking about most of the time! Why can't you talk like a normal person! Those riddles sucked when you started out and they suck now!"

"Hey, I don't see you coming up with anything," snapped cat woman in Riddlers defense.

"I don't see you coming up with anything either," said Harley backing up her friend.

"I have an idea," said Joker, "why don't you all just SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Everyone stopped fighting and looked at him in silence.

"Why don't you try shutting up clown," snapped Penguin.

"Tell you what beak face, when you can come up with a plan to kill the bat then you can talk," he said snidely.

"I have an idea," said Dick standing up, everyone looked at him curiously, "You guys stick around here and I'll go on bat patrol, at the gas station," he said in a mocking enthusiasm. He's face went to a fake excitement. "On second thought why don't we all go! I'll search the candy section and you can all look….in the chips aisle!"

"What," asked Joker. Dick just rolled his eyes and left the 'hideout'. Everyone watched him leave.

"You know," said Penguin, "he does spend a lot of time away from here."

"So," asked Ivy, "where is he going to go?"

"I don't know. Maybe the police?"

"If he was going to the police he would have done so by now," said Joker shaking his head.

"Where do you think he really goes," asked Harley in a wonder.

"Who cares," said Joker, "I'm going to go plan out another heist and hopefully it will be a better plan then the rest."

……………………………

"It's to bad you can't just tell me where the hideout is," said Batman.

"Yea, but if I did it would look suspicious. If I disappear as Dick and come back as robin, it will look strange, especially when I come back as Dick after the encounter. But if I stay as dick and not show up as Robin it will still look strange."

"Yea, your right, Joker is crazy but he isn't stupid."

"Yea, no kidding, but I'm starting to wonder about Harley, she is kind of a moron. It would shoot right over her head."

"What about the others."

"Annoying. Turns out the Riddler doesn't just talk in riddles while he does crime, he talks in riddles all the time. Ivy and Penguin seem to have this on and off feud thing going on. No wonder Joker can't get anything done, he has surrounded his self with annoying weirdos"

"Yea, unfortunately it's that kind of mind that is attracted to him."

"He is obviously the ring leader of the circus. He's the biggest nutjob I ever had the displeasure of being stuck with. Everything has to be planned down but still has to be funny. I really am loosing my mind."

"Why not go to the police?"

"I don't really know batman, I just don't know. I have thought about it over and over again but for some reason I haven't."

"Well, lets just patrol, judging by your story I don't think any of them will be trying again tonight."

"Okay but lets make it quick, I almost didn't make it back before them this time, we need to start planning out shortcuts or something."

"Yea, your right, we can't risk you getting caught that might get you in trouble."

"Or killed."

"Yea, or that." The two left the roof to do a patrol around the city. It was pretty quiet the rest of the night. Batman kept an eye out for short cuts for his partener. He couldn't help but wonder why Dick had yet to go to the police. What was keeping him from telling on the Joker? Maybe the Joker had a hold on him with is fear? No, if that were the case Dick wouldn't chance being Robin. He then began to wonder how long the two could keep u the charade before they were busted.

Robin's mind was else where. He was rather curious as to when he should get home. He knew they didn't by the gas station story anymore. The only reason he had yet to make up a new one was because he really didn't care enough to put effort into it. He really didn't care if Joker knew he was Robin. There were some times that he actually considered bringing Batman over dressed up as Robin and telling the Joker everything. Aw, they could have a little family dinner! Robin chuckled a bit at the thought. Batman and Joker sitting at the same table eating dinner. What a thought to have.

After patrolling the city Robin got out of his costume and dressed in normal street cloths. Blue jeans, a white long sleeved shirt, with a dark green short sleeved shirt over it. He walked over to a gas station and bought a slushy and walked back to the 'hideout' after telling batman he needed to be heading back now.

It worried Bruce that Dick was not coming home with him instead. Anything could happen to him over there, he had seen the way Joker treats Harley, it was brutal, he began to wonder how he treated Dick.

……………………….

"Geeze," said Penguin, "are you going to the other side of Gotham for a slushy or just falling asleep at the gas station."

"Whatever," he mumbled shutting a door behind him in a small room he had clamed as his own. Everyone pretty much left him alone while he was in here. It was his own little sanctuary but not tonight, tonight that sanctuary was going to be intruded. Just as he sat on the old couch that was falling apart the door burst open and bubbly Harley came bouncing in followed by Joker.

"Guess what coop," she giggled, "Mistah Jay has news for you!"

"Your taking on the family business," he said happily holding his arms out dramatically.

"Say what," asked dick just letting the slushy fall out of his hand.

"Tomorrow you are coming on a heist with us, all of us."

"But-"

"No if, ands, or buts, your going and that's final," said Joker and he turned and left with a big smile on his demented face. Harley squealed in excitement and gave him a big hug.

"It's a welcome to the family present do you like it?"

"No," he shouted.

"I knew you wouldn't," she said happily and bounced out leaving him stunned. This wasn't good.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Next time:

Dick's first criminal act!

Coming soon!


	10. A good shot in a bad way

Woohooo! An update and I promise that as soon as I get my ounce I'll update my spastic story but for now until I got extra money to spend I'm sitting on this story. But now is not the time to mourn my misfortune of cell phones and cars and gas prices and cigarettes, no, it is the time to mourn for poor Dick as he commits his first crime act!

No, I don't own anything, except the story line. It's the most original thing on this sight and it was brought to you by me.

REVIEWS!

JA-9: Yes my rasta man friend. Of course joker can't commit a crime without Batman being on the scene!

Well that was the only review I got this time but let me know you guys exist and I might end up liking you.

CHAPTER!!!!!

Dick had gone pale. They got him right as he was about to leave the door for school. No, said the joker, he wasn't going to school today, he was called in sick today. Today was the day! Dick could have dropped dead, he didn't think that the Joker and Harley were serious about bringing him along and in broad daylight no less!

They stopped at the bank. Dick gulped, it was the bank that Bruce used. He turned to Harley who seemed far off some place else.

"H-Harley," he muttered to her. She turned and smiled happily at him.

"What's up," she whispered back.

"Isn't this Bruce Wayn's bank?"

"Yea, Joker wanted us to do this bank. Not sure why though?" Dick gave her a very seriously look.

"Could it have anything to do with the fact that I have been living with Wayne," he whispered.

"Actually," whispered Joker now kneeling to their position, "I think that is exactly why he chose this bank. Man, that Joker is totally nuts." He laughed wickedly and loaded his guns. Harley loaded hers as well, the BANG gun and the real one. Joker shoved one in Dick's hand and Harley drug him out of the car. Dick suddenly felt his heart begin to beat. This was actually kind of a rush, not a good rush, but a rush. As a massive amount of energy suddenly came over him he felt like he could do almost anything right now.

They marched into the bank and Joker shot his gunshot up in the air. The whole bank screamed and fell to the ground.

"Hello kiddies," he said laughing like the maniac he truly was.

"Hey were are the others," asked Dick very quietly so as not to interrupt the Jokers big speech.

"Your dad wanted this to be a family thing. Just you me and your daddy, how great is that," she squealed.

"Ahem, when you two chatterheads stop may I continue?"

"Sorry Mistah Jay," she said innocently. Joker just made a humph noise and turned back to the crowed.

"Alright I want everything in the safe NOW!" The citizens and workers started loading up the bags that Harley passed around with everything. Nobody spared any expense on their lives. Then just as if on cue batman jumped in from the top of the glass roof. Joker laughed wickedly

"Oh Batys! I was hoping you would join us this lovely afternoon to meat my son! Isn't he a real chip off the old block. Hey were is that annoying Robin kid that seems to follow you around."

"Hmm he took a raincheck," said Batman glaring daggers at Dick. How could he have anything to do with this guy! Why would he rob anyone! Much less someone that took him in!? He growled in anger and lunged at the Joker. Dick watched as Batman and Joker were fist fighting and shooting stuff at each other. Harley grabbed her gun and started shooting at the roof to make the glass fall and land on top of batman. Dick was taken aback, that was the smartest thing he had ever seen her do before. In all the excitement people were running out of the building and caused Dick to be pushed forward.

He accidentally pulled the trigger and Dick felt as if he could see the very bullet that had come out of his gun. He whizzed passed everyone and hit batman square in the shoulder. Batman turned and gave Dick a look of betrayal then turned and left.

Dick stood fazed by what had just happened. The world around him became very quiet. The cheers from Harley and Joker fell on deaf ears, the only thing Dick could hear was his own heart beating in his chest. He was unaware of how he managed to walk out, get into the car, and he was unaware of the whole trip back. He was dead inside.

…………………………….\


End file.
